My best friend and fellow aspiring author recently sent me several creative-writing-related blog links. The how-tos, the tips and tricks, and everything else to up your skill level. Here is one example. Among stashes of posts which go date back as far as a decade ago, I found a one titled, “6 Questions to Ask Yourself” meant as a conversation starter and for bloggers to answer and publish on their own. I figured, “Hey, how about I write my own answers for the world to see!” Oh, and bonus, because now you finally take a look into my soul. That’s always fun…huh?
1. If you could ask Jesus anything and know you’d get an answer, what would you ask him?
A: I believe in Jesus. This one was relatively easy to answer.
Is there a purpose to suffering? Children are starving in Africa, North Koreans dying by the millions, and Russian orphans who can’t be adopted simply because of the law of a few corrupt people. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Then there’s me, the neurotic writer-wannabe who wants to help everyone she can, but doesn’t even know how how to stem her own suffering. To this day I’m still not secure in my identity and I feel pain because of it. So yes, I suffer too because I need to help myself first. Is there a reason why I’m enduring what I’m suffering now, and why others suffer the different levels or pain that they do in this world?
2. How have I changed?
Pros: I am now more proactive in my desires. Whereas I used to dream of being a “somebody”, now I’m not just dreaming, I’m doing. Okay, trying. I’ve also become less negligent of school work and more disciplined. Grades always mattered to me, but right now, they matter a lot.
Cons: Is there such a thing as, “too much motive?” Apparently there is. Now I feel more hectic than ever trying to achieve everything at once, trying to be everything at once. And even then, the nagging voice is telling me that I’m not proactive enough. When I fall short of achievements, I get pissed, and I fall into a cycle of further negativity. I’m a slight workaholic who hasn’t picked up a movie or anime show since Easter because I have a huge fear of laziness.
3. How do I need to change?
A: I was always a competitive kid. But it didn’t matter so much back then. And sure, Mom yelled at me more when I was that lil’ ankle biter who didn’t give two damns about my homework. But you know…it wasn’t always that way. When I was younger, I had goals…but I didn’t lose sleep over not being where I am in life. My anxiety was short-lived, and life was felt more like playgrounds and daydreaming and sunshine and butterflies compared to today. I needed to be competitive against other people’s achievements, but also against myself. One of these days I need to take a chill pill. Oops, wait — I’m already taking prescribed medication for anxiety. Hahah. But seriously.
I need to learn more compassion towards a wider range of people. Like my sister. Bless her heart for all her help, from fashion photoshoots to English essays! Even though sometimes I took this help for granted. I’ll always owe you one, sis. Yes, that’s the word: compassion. Even for those whose opinions differ from mine, for those who act like jerks, and for those that society has been taught to look down on.
4. What are my values?
A: The old saying has always stuck: do unto others as you want them to do onto you. And let’s face it, there’s always that one person you just wanna throw a brick at. But no matter how angry I am, my moral code dictates to never say anything hurtful or lift a finger to harm anyone. That includes no gossip, no self-righteous outbursts, and always telling the honest truth. I make sure I’m polite to others, help those who ask for it, and above all, show love to everyone. But these efforts would be for naught if I didn’t actually mean them. Distorted as my own version of love feels like right now, I want to learn to love unconditionally.
5. What you do want?
A: Ah, good question.
To get over my existential crisis. (What, I’m only 18, yo!)
A productive job.
Several skill sets.
An optimistic outlook.
Just kidding, I really need a peace of mind more than anything else right now.
6. What’s next?
A: Keep living. Just keep doing whatever I’m doing.
Some of those questions did not come out the way I expected them to! But, I guess that’s what happens when you get personal.
Annnd that’s it! Not only a fine conversation starter, but a prompt to help you find yourself. Deep one.
If you have any responses to share, let me know in the comments!