6 Questions to Ask Yourself

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My best friend and fellow aspiring author recently sent me several creative-writing-related blog links. The how-tos, the tips and tricks, and everything else to up your skill level. Here is one example. Among stashes of posts which go date back as far as a decade ago, I found a one titled, “6 Questions to Ask Yourself” meant as a conversation starter and for bloggers to answer and publish on their own. I figured, “Hey, how about I write my own answers for the world to see!” Oh, and bonus, because now you finally take a look into my soul. That’s always fun…huh?

Let’s start:

1. If you could ask Jesus anything and know you’d get an answer, what would you ask him?

A: I believe in Jesus. This one was relatively easy to answer.

Dear Jesus,

Is there a purpose to suffering? Children are starving in Africa, North Koreans dying by the millions, and Russian orphans who can’t be adopted simply because of the law of a few corrupt people. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Then there’s me, the neurotic writer-wannabe who wants to help everyone she can, but doesn’t even know how how to stem her own suffering. To this day I’m still not secure in my identity and I feel pain because of it. So yes, I suffer too because I need to help myself first. Is there a reason why I’m enduring what I’m suffering now, and why others suffer the different levels or pain that they do in this world?

2. How have I changed?

A:

Pros: I am now more proactive in my desires. Whereas I used to dream of being a “somebody”, now I’m not just dreaming, I’m doing. Okay, trying. I’ve also become less negligent of school work and more disciplined. Grades always mattered to me, but right now, they matter a lot.

Cons: Is there such a thing as, “too much motive?” Apparently there is. Now I feel more hectic than ever trying to achieve everything at once, trying to be everything at once. And even then, the nagging voice is telling me that I’m not proactive enough. When I fall short of achievements, I get pissed, and I fall into a cycle of further negativity. I’m a slight workaholic who hasn’t picked up a movie or anime show since Easter because I have a huge fear of laziness.

3. How do I need to change?

A: I was always a competitive kid. But it didn’t matter so much back then. And sure, Mom yelled at me more when I was that lil’ ankle biter who didn’t give two damns about my homework. But you know…it wasn’t always that way. When I was younger, I had goals…but I didn’t lose sleep over not being where I am in life. My anxiety was short-lived, and life was felt more like playgrounds and daydreaming and sunshine and butterflies compared to today. I needed to be competitive against other people’s achievements, but also against myself. One of these days I need to take a chill pill. Oops, wait — I’m already taking prescribed medication for anxiety. Hahah. But seriously.

I need to learn more compassion towards a wider range of people. Like my sister. Bless her heart for all her help, from fashion photoshoots to English essays! Even though sometimes I took this help for granted. I’ll always owe you one, sis. Yes, that’s the word: compassion. Even for those whose opinions differ from mine, for those who act like jerks, and for those that society has been taught to look down on.

4. What are my values?

A: The old saying has always stuck: do unto others as you want them to do onto you. And let’s face it, there’s always that one person you just wanna throw a brick at. But no matter how angry I am, my moral code dictates to never say anything hurtful or lift a finger to harm anyone. That includes no gossip, no self-righteous outbursts, and always telling the honest truth. I make sure I’m polite to others, help those who ask for it, and above all, show love to everyone. But these efforts would be for naught if I didn’t actually mean them. Distorted as my own version of love feels like right now, I want to learn to love unconditionally.

5. What you do want?

A: Ah, good question.

To get over my existential crisis. (What, I’m only 18, yo!)

A productive job.

Several skill sets.

Independence.

Bravery.

Confidence.

An optimistic outlook.

A Soulmate

Success.

Just kidding, I really need a peace of mind more than anything else right now.

6. What’s next?

A: Keep living. Just keep doing whatever I’m doing.

Including blogging.

 

Some of those questions did not come out the way I expected them to! But, I guess that’s what happens when you get personal.

Annnd that’s it! Not only a fine conversation starter, but a prompt to help you find yourself. Deep one.

If you have any responses to share, let me know in the comments!

 

 

 

 

The Love Cycle

Board Heart Play Over Love Off End Separat

Took the best part of my Thursday night to finish this poem. Can I just say…Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

***

A lightning shot of thrills

Ravaged through my brain

A pinch of giddy, shock, dizzy

Riling the blood again and again

I can’t move, I can’t breathe

Disturb my ecstasy, and I’ll seethe–

A delight I imbibe and drain

*

A want so HERE, I can taste it

You’re not real, not to any but me

Swathed in your closeness

Everyone becomes nobody

The spike of satisfaction peaked

My heart is primed to be wreaked

I’m one smothered schmuck, but I’m — free

*

Questions clutter the space

There where safety once presided

How, I wonder, and — WHY

Is the day anon still one-sided?

Distraught turned to despair

As it tinged my own breathing air

I’m so stupid, so divided…

*

I’m a slave to myself

Just as I’m a slave to you

I undertake the remedied soul-ripping

And have none but myself to rue

Why did you ever exist?

You’re so beyond ideal, I feel whisked

Into obscurity — I’m fading, flying, ado

*

I tried to stem the flow

Though only time knows when

This caustic scab they call “love”

I will gracefully shed

An eternity later, I crawl through

I wake up an amnesiac anew…

Before the cycle hits me hapless again

 

 

Look Up

Image result for looking up

When a heavy heart is bleeding

Life is receding

And yet

Nothing to show

While the outside world is teeming

I think I’m dreaming

The odds?

I do not know

*

(Refrain)

Look up

My love

Look up

You miss me yet? stand up.

Look up

My love

Look up

*

Love is a sickness

I drown in misty thickness

Living,

Hanging by a hope

Give me a sign, now

Somewhere, somehow

I can’t

Yet I must, must cope

*

(Refrain)

***

If you look carefully, you miiight see the poem’s rhythm resembles Depeche Mode’s lyrics from “Enjoy the Silence” a little bit. Amazing lyrics, catchy song. But gah, how the resemblance reeks with this one!